I know relationships. And I know they are often in need of repair. And Love is not always enough. You need understanding.
It is a matter of knowing how to stay connected in them whether the day is good, bad, joyful, or facing the unpredictability of life’s surprising twists and turns. Being filled with wonder about letting them go when all you want to do is stay, to find a way to be better to each other, more loving, kind, and patient, while everything within you wants to turn away. Whoever said they were worth it was right perhaps, yet whoever thought they would be easy, tis tis. They are in fact repairable. BUT only if both people are willing to learn about themselves, and the partner they at times love to love and hate to frustrate.
If you were anything like me, growing up, under the wings of two southern parents with it’s share of bad and good, mystery, and calamity, joys, and sorrows., you like me learned more disconnection than togetherness, more challenge than possibility, and more desire to be heard, than finding your words landing on the hearts of those you needed to hear them, and respond to your need or cries. For me, it took time and work to own my injuries, and to see the opportunities to grow through them instead of fall apart. Falling together was more of what happened. And I worked for it, not just to understand myself, yet to understand me in partnership with others no matter what the partnership would be (friend/partner/family).
Parents and partners, tend to give us the best they have and often struggle to inform or teach us the benefits of close and bonded connection, and the hope is, that almost in spite of that, we can find our way. In most cases, we need to find our perspective as much as how the interactions we have keep us disconnected, and often without the benefit of love.
In my own life and in working with clients, what I find to be true is that it takes time to heal and for the imprints of unresponsiveness and disengagement, and your cries bringing others closer to you, not pushing them away, you and I learn that this is the fate that our desires to connect will hold, they will go without being heard or responded to, and they will not be important, or they are just things that we should keep to ourselves. As a result, even in our adult lives, that is exactly what we do. And we take extra precaution unbeknownst to us, to guard and protect our hearts, and the words that we have learned will only push others away, not bring them closer.
It is not your fault that you don’t know all of what is consuming your relationship, only your work to repair and make better if you so desire. And by the time many couples or individuals reach my office, the desire to repair things often comes with a sense of urgency, due to the important nature of the relationship. It is the most important thing in the world to them. And I can see why. Their heart, their life and so much love is tied to this individual, partner, and the desire to understand what is happening beneath the eyes of their understanding is filled with good intention. They truly want to make things better, hoping it’s not too late.
I want you to know that you taking the time to look at the way your relationship functions, takes up space in your mind and heart, and can fare better than worse, is a concern that I take seriously. Trust is a part of where we find our greatest opportunity to collaborate and your words and mine will be the agents of change that help you and your beloved repair. It is possible through our collaboration and your efforts to have conversations in a different way, a way that can help it turn this corner of winter and find it’s spring.
Life can be different, filled with more loving connection and fulfillment when you become more aware of what each other needs and how to navigate moments that cause you to turn away or pursue with criticism, protesting against the disconnection in the most important relationship you have.
You can get closer not only in love, you can become a priority, a priority that keeps growing together, and that stays connected whether stronger or fainter at heart. Let me help you get there.