FALLING APART AND COMING TOGETHER

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You feel partnered with a consuming obsession instead of someone you can wholeheartedly find secure and steadfast love with. You struggle with knowing how to take in the furor of love coming your way or how to give the love you know you have inside. You’d do anything to stop second guessing your steps and feeling as though you’re making love instead of war break out. This dilemma leaves you wondering if you’ll ever be able to find your way back to one another like in times past. You find yourself trying to figure out how you had the success in past days. This moment of nostalgia gives you pause and good reason to fight to stay together. All you know is that it is your love that really matters, and the partner you have chosen to do life.

The reality of the conflict you are experiencing makes it harder and harder to believe you can find that ease in love again. Now, you either stay silent or just go along; doing your best to stay out of unrelenting combat. You find yourself trying instead to chase understanding and truth, meeting silence and indifference instead. You’re in a stalemate. Your partner feels the same. This is the start of you getting entangled in what disconnects you. The last thing you really want and need. You’d rather be in sync with your beloved.

Often times we enter into a partnership, only to find it has felt like a partnership of one all along. One partner pulling the other, the other feeling compelled to comply. Without will, without choice. This disconsolate place makes you feel like you’re losing yourself and one another and standing on rocky ground. You wonder if the journey you took to find each other has simply run its course. Perhaps its just found its chance for new beginnings.

Where are you and your partner today? Like so many couples, you and your partner have found yourselves in the middle of a pandemic, with everything opening up around you including the space and distance you feel growing between. With each uneasy conversation, look of dis-ease, with each question that goes unanswered or words left unsaid, . This is you seeing your relationship flatlining before your eyes, unaware that the two biggest signs that are devouring what you’ve built, remain undiscovered and off your radar.

Emotional disconnection and lack of affection are the signs a relationship is in trouble. You realize this is you. You have been disconnected for some time, blaming the other, with intention of really blaming yourself. A part of you feels at fault, another part feeling the exhaustion and longing for security you can trust. You feel you should have spoken up sooner or responded with an answer to a question instead of the silence that showed up in its place. It’s hard to know just what to say. The thing is, you’re really giving your all, what seems more true is that you’re realizing in this crisis, comfort is all you can think of and something that’s so hard to find between you. You take a shower instead. It’s safer just letting the water wash the day away.

How we adapt often depends on what we have adopted to be our truth and the correct way to express it or overcome its trappings. We behave our way to disconnection, at least not intentionally. Often times what we think to be the truth often doesn’t mirror our partners. They like you are only reading the cues of what they see, not what’s driving the frustration that has built up over time, making it difficult for you to really see what each other really needs. Who wouldn’t react to that?

At times, love can feel complicated at best, especially when there’s no guide to really help you field the course of relationship that you feel at times you’re failing. If you just knew how to walk this road of love, you’d probably fare much better. Often times people simply do better when they know the better way. And what we don’t know can often disconnect us, especially in relationship where so much is riding on its success, not its potential failure. You’re only doing what you know, not aware of what can resolve things between you. That is a different kind of conversation, with the kind of support that can guide you to new solutions that bring you closer and help make your love stronger yet.

Maybe for the first time you can begin to see what the real problems between you are and how you can systematically start tackling and dismantling them to find real answers to your dilemmas.

It’s quite natural to feel at a loss for words when the words you speak can have impact beyond your intention, shaking the foundation of loves fairy tale. And especially now with COVID, there’s no room or time for hearts growing fonder in confined and constricted space with the air growing thinner. Loves nest has become consumed with all that consumes you both. You just need a place to catch your breath and feel as though you can honestly work through things between you and find resolve and repair.

Your love can be strengthened and your communication clearer. You get to decide if that’s the case. At the end of the day, we all decide if love is worth saving. Perhaps your love is still worth saving before or after I do.

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