A physical attraction is one thing that counts. Developing an Emotional connection….another.
You see profiles of couples on Vlogs, facebook pages, and Instagram filled with images and videos of happy times. Blissful. Having Fun. And acting like you and your partner use to be able to. They appear to live in a secret world of love you use to belong to and now you feel locked out. In those moments of disconnection when your words fall flat, you slide into the critical lane and start driving, and your partner quiets down, you know things have taken a turn.
Your partner needs something, yet it’s hard to know exactly in the moment what that is. Or even how to go about delivering it. All you know is that you need their words. Andyou need answers, not silence and you need them to start talking now. You just need to know where your lives are heading. If you two are really alright.
Moments of distance you use to be able to settle between you has become harder and harder to resolve. Maybe the stress, trouble reaching each other when it’s been really important, and feeling at a loss of how to make things right between you have taken more of a toll on you than you knew.
It feels so heartbreaking seeing the love between you become harder and harder to reach and hold on to. It’s as if you’re wheeling your relationship into the emergency room slowly watching it flatline away.
And all you want to do is save it.
To love unconditionally. These days, you both have struggled to know what unconditional means. Everything between you seems to have a condition, or it leaves you feeling stressed. Unclear about how to go about it. And it’s gotten harder and harder to get your needs met or want to meet theirs.
The affection has lessened and the distance between you has grown. You just want them to say something to reassure you that you two are alright. To let you know they are still there. That they care. Your words just don’t seem to be in the right key.
One pursues. The other goes silent.
The silence drives up your worry and frustration when your partner goes into that familiar place. Their frustration rises too. Sometimes it pushes them out for air or to silence their phone and take a stand. Either way, they just won’t respond.
And when the critical words start to fly, there a part of you that just can’t hold the words back. It’s like a heat seeking missile that is set to hit its target and boom, you are back at it and as distant as ever. Uh oh, it’s starting again. You tell yourself. And you know at any minute where the frustration is going to lead. And so does your partner.
Knowing how you and your partner feel after the exchange between you has happened makes you want to reach for them and tell them how sorry you are, yet when you don’t hear a word from them and you start to feel dismissed, you just can’t help feeling scared and alone.
And you want to be able to find a way to be close again, because you know how important they are to you and the relationship you’ve built.
You blame yourself and feel so guilty and hurt at the same time. It’s so hard to get out of that familiar place and apologize for your part. Or anticipate an apology coming your way.
You are trying to pick yourself back up and quiet down the anxiety you feel, close the gap in the distance you feel between you. It’s just so hard to do. And at the end of the day, you know you’re not the kind of person to give up without finding someone to hear how much you’re struggling and shed some light on what’s making you feel distressed. Emotionally focused couples therapy can help you develop more understanding about what’s been happening between you.
It’s not that you’re a terrible person or that your partner is a block of ice. What is true is that you both have a way you’ve learned to attachment in your adult love and you need a couples specialist to help you strengthen it and talk with you honestly to work toward getting back to enjoying one another more.
To help couples, I use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Let me help you start talking about what’s important to you and work together to create a more secure, close, enjoyable connection between you. It is possible.
So how do we get started:
- Give me a call and schedule a time to meet. Or you can click on schedule now or go to the appointment page and send me an email. You will hear from me within 2 – 4 hours.
- I will listen to you and hear from your perspective what’s been going on in your lives together. I will ask you questions about your relationship and we will get to know one another to see if we are a good fit for one another
- The first 4 sessions between us will be assessment sessions and you will each get a chance to meet with me individually after the first session and tell me what is important to you.
- I will provide book/workbook recommendations (as needed) and we will work together to map out the cycle between you that leads to distance and disconnection
- We will make sure we have a clear understanding of the cycle of disconnection between you as we proceed forward in our work together.
Shantel Daniels, MA
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.
Helping you prosper in your relationships and your life
Specializing in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
Graduate of Pepperdine University
230 N. Maryland #105
Glendale, CA 91206